There is a huge self-help industry around getting your ex girlfriend/boyfriend back, which I find irresponsible and damaging. It’s the same as offering Ex-junkies a special method to get back on drugs.
This is simply exploiting the loneliness of vulnerable people and is advising devastatingly bad advice from a presupposition of a scarcity of options and assumption that the dead relationship is worth saving. The absolute truth almost without exception is that it NEVER works when couples get back together after a serious breakup (as opposed to a fight where someone sleeps on a couch or at their mothers).
The ultimate advice on how to get your ex girlfriend back is, to never try to get your ex back. It’s called a breakup for a reason, it was broken.
Everyone (including the author) ignores this sage advice sometimes and very often couples will chew up years on again off again, with starkly diminishing returns as the makeup sex and nostalgia fades, to be replaced by bitter disappointment, denial and fatalism.
Here are the top 7 brutal and liberating lessons about breakups
1. Dragging out the end ruins the rest
The end of a relationship is the worst part, so dragging it out and going through the breakup cycle multiple times is the major reason (along with miscommunicated relationship goals early on) for people to become cynical about relationships in general and carry baggage into the next one. You will rapidly destroy the love and empathy for each other as well as spoil the overall experience as the end takes emotional precedence.
2. Women break up better than men
In general a woman coming out of a relationship will process her emotions faster and deeper than a man. She’ll cry, have a tantrum, get drunk or whatever does it for her and have a catharsis and then move on. (Occasionally she’ll become a stalking psycho but as you start to choose more level headed emotionally mature women this will happen less). She is also much more likely to buy a new dress, go out with her friends and fuck a few guys to get over it. Men will often close themselves off with a few friends and commiserate over hard liquor apathetically swipe through tinder, being flaked on by dumpy suburban girls, sending needy texts to his ex hoping she’ll take him back.
It’s vital that you learn seduction skills and mindsets, not to become the ultimate pick up artist but so that whenever you need to be skillfully single you can be. The best thing you can do after a break up is go out and date new women. Even if it’s fumbling and contrived at first, you need to have regular sexual expression, fun experiences and search for new direction in life.
3. Don’t try to replace your ex
You are not trying to find a replacement to your ex, someone as “good as her”. You’ll just end up pining for her if you approach every date as a failed audition for girlfriend, with an idealized vision of your ex as the benchmark. You should take this time to explore more easy going less intense flings with girls that may not be your wife material but are fun, kind, sexual, exciting.
This very quickly becomes new energy and drive leading to untold abundance of sexual choice and dating fun.
Being actively single becomes the ideal time to work on yourself, process the mistakes of the last relationship and work on evolving yourself so that when you again meet someone truly compatible you’ll be ready for them.
On the reverse side, the worst thing you could do is jump into a serious relationship with the first or second girl you fuck because you can’t stand the uncertainty of single life, thereby downgrading to an even less fulfilling partnership based off a sloppy rebound.
4. Break ups are liberating and loving
At some point in your life the most caring and compassionate thing to do is leave somebody, or to accept and embrace when they do. Realizing that it is the act of being still together that is holding you both back from a better life experience can be incredibly difficult to accept. To not to take it as personal rejection and blame yourself or her for the inevitable is important. The price of staying in months longer than you should is not just the misery of it but the lost opportunities that passed you by while you were clinging to a redundant relationship.
5. Be clear that it’s over
Being clear about the ending is in alignment with the philosophy of being Natural, honest and direct. You must not only be direct on your opener but through out the whole relationship and especially at the end. A common way men use to breakup is to just become a shit boyfriend, avoid conflict and admitting his decision until she gets fed up and dumps him. By trying to be gentle he ends up causing both of you more pain and conflict. Often this soils the ending leaving bitterness between the couple.
6. Cut contact
You cannot be her counselor or vice versa after a breakup. If you stay in contact regularly you will fight, say horrible shit you regret, have soppy nostalgic chats, or get stuck in weary discussions about culpability and emotions, god help me. You’ll also probably back in bed together and start the whole mess again.
Keep distance until you’d both be happy to be in the same room as each other and your new partner and feel fine about it. That’s usually 6 months to never.
7. Over doesn’t mean failure
Rather than seeing the end as a failure and desperately trying to resuscitate it, see the end for what it is and allow the desires and unexplored paths that had been bubbling under the surface express into reality. This isn’t a failed attempt to find the one but a time in your life with somebody you cared for that has changed and needs to be left behind so that you can both continue to grow, explore and prepare for the next one. This means you will be able to leave each other with relatively little heartache and then quite likely become friends later, continuing the direct and honest communication you always (or mostly) had.
Ignore this all at your peril gentlemen, you have been warned. And when you come back after dragging out some god awful breakup, or trying to get a girlfriend pathetically after she’s moved on, while missing heaps of pussy and fun then I’ll just tell you the same thing. Next time you’ll hopefully limit the drama to a couple of weeks.